From Teddy Bears to Turtles
Most of us avoid conflict -- at least on some level -- because the experience can prove uncomfortable, stressful, and even disorienting. But why is resolving conflicts such a struggle? If God calls us to love others as we love ourselves, why can't we all live joyfully -- supporting one another and sacrificing our own needs when appropriate?
According to social psychologist David W. Johnson, our individual responses to conflict are a complicated balance of our own needs and the concerns of the others involved, coupled with layers of past experiences and assumptions. Some of us prioritize relationship over resolution, and others of us seek solutions at nearly all cost. Which approach is best? According to Johnson, even the answer to that question is laden with complexities that frustrate even our best efforts.
In his research, Johnson has outlined five primary responses to conflict:
“Turtles” withdraw, abandoning both their own goals and the relationship. The result tends to be frozen, unresolved conflict.
“Sharks” have an aggressive, forceful take and protect their own goals at all costs. They tend to attack, intimidate, and overwhelm during conflict.
“Teddy bears” seek to keep the peace and smooth things over. They drop their own goals completely, sacrificing for the sake of the relationship.
“Foxes” adopt a compromising style. They are concerned with sacrifices being made on both sides and see concession as the solution, even when it results in less-than-ideal outcomes for both sides.
“Owls” adopt a style that views conflict as a problem to be resolved. They are open to solving it through whichever solutions offer both parties a pathway to achieve their goals and maintain the relationship. This approach can involve considerable time and effort, but owls are willing to endure the struggle.
What are your tendencies? What about the tendencies of those in your family or at work or school? How can you meter your own approach, loving well while also growing in your empathy of others' disparate responses?
Remember Jesus' answer when the Pharisees asked him for the greatest commandment: Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
How will you love God and love your neighbors this week even when conflict arises?